Life scares me. I don't know what I believe in and so I feel very conscious of my time. I'm scared to be still because I know that anything can happen at any moment. What scares me more than anything else is the thought that at any moment it could just end before I have a chance to do so so many things that I want to do. How am I supposed to be patient when this is the only moment that I have guaranteed? This one, here, right now, as I lie in bed writing an odd moment of honesty. I am not lying when I say that I want to experience other cultures, see as much as I can see, but I usually leave out the most honest reason. When I'm moving, doing, seeing new things, I can temporarily forget my mortality. I feel alive, like I am fully embracing what I can of the world, because at the end of the day I have no clue what I believe in. At the end of the day I don't know if the end is just that, the end. But if it is, I need to at least know that I experienced something real, something more real than just my own personal consciousness, more real than performing various socially acceptable mundanes. At least I'll know that I saw this curious, inexplicable, perfect creation called earth. And really, seriously, think how absolutely strange it is! At least I'll know that I saw it, and that I felt it, and that I lived it, and that even if it is fleeting and the memories fade with me, that individual moment is something that can't be taken away from me.
I had a dream a few nights ago that I was flying over Machu Pichu. I was bombarded by the most beautiful (and beautiful really is such a terribly plain word to describe what I saw and what I felt) sight I had ever beheld. I was literally breathless. It felt like my heart had stopped beating, like I had never seen anything more miraculous in my life. I realized that I want my life to be filled to the brim, overflowing even, with those moments. Moments that are so glorious that they scare you. Moments where you literally think you might die because they are so ethereal and magnanimous, because they transcend any beautifully eloquent word description that you could ever place on them. These moments are driven by fear, they are drenched in it. If I'm being perfectly honest, what scares me most is that even those moments don't fully fill that space. But I guess, the fact that the space never fills, pushes me to keep wanting more and more of them. I wasn't kidding when I said that I have an insatiable appetite for travel. Maybe one day my soul will transcend my body and take that flight over Machu Pichu. But just in case it doesn't, I really hope that I live a long healthy life and have the ability to fulfill as many of those moments as I possibly can.
I don't know if I actually see the world differently, but sometimes I think that I do. I think that everyone does. What inspired me to make this blog was the urgency that I felt to show people the world through my eyes. My photos are how I see life, and even though right now I am not traveling the globe, I'm hoping that one day I will be doing so and that I will be able to share those moments with all of you.